Science Merit Badges

I was never a Boy Scout. Among other things, my mom had instilled a healthy hatred of the homophobic organization. So my first merit badge was a virtual one, from Science Scouts. Science is so much cooler than knots.

The “science deprives me of my bed” badge (LEVEL I):
In which your science, due to lab work or fieldwork, requires an overnight vigil.

The “science deprives me of my bed” badge (LEVEL II):
In which your science, due to Lab work or fieldwork, dictates at least a full week away from your bed.

The “plant kingdom rules!” badge:
Whereby the image on this badge in no way condones any particular type of activity.

The “non-explainer” badge (LEVEL I):
Where the recipient can no longer explain what they do to their parents.


The “what I do for science dictates my having to wash my hands before I use the toilet” badge:
Where the recipient works with chemicals or organisms that do not mix with nether regions.

The “has done science whilst under the influence” badge:
This can apply to both achieving moments of intellectual clarity or actual performance of an experiment whilst under the influence. It presumes talking about science under the influence a given.

The “works with acids” badge:
In which the recipient has worked with acids.

The “I’ve set fire to stuff” badge (LEVEL III):
In which the recipient has set fire to stuff, while fully aware of all thermodynamic principles at play.

The “I’ve set fire to stuff” badge (LEVEL II):
In which the recipient has set fire to stuff, while fully aware of all combustion principles at play.

The “I’ve set fire to stuff” badge (LEVEL I):
In which the recipient has set fire to stuff, all in the name of general scientific curiosity.

The “statistical linear regression” badge:
We figured that if you actually know what those three words together mean, then you deserve a badge (Yes, we know it’s a normal distribution). Statistics rock!

The “experienced with electrical shock” badge (LEVEL III):
In which the recipient has had experience with the electrical shocking of himself/herself.

The “I’ve done science with no conceivable practical application” badge:
There are probably more who are deserving of this badge than you would expect.

The “has frozen stuff just to see what happens” badge (LEVEL I):
In which the recipient has frozen something in the freezer for the sake of scientific curiosity.

The “I’ve touched human internal organs with my own hands” badge:
In which the recipient is “hopefully” doing something that is somehow related to human health.

The “I can be a prick when it comes to science” badge:
In which the recipient can be so passionate about things of a scientific nature, that he/she may appear surly, rude, and/or unpleasant.


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